How to date when... you’ve been single for a long time

I recently got chatting to a woman on a train. I was on the way back to London after an event in Cardiff; she was leaving Bristol following the wedding of her close friend. She’d had a good time, she said, but as one of the only single guests, she’d spent a lot of time fielding well-meaning but probing questions about her love life. I told her I could relate, and mentioned an article I was working on – the one that you’re reading now – about being single for so long that you lose touch with all romantic feelings and impulses.

She told me that her last relationship, which was also her first, had ended a decade earlier when she was 24 years old. The prospect of being single for the long-term had felt okay at first, then unsettling, then terrifying, then fine, then all she thought about. Now it’s a blend of all of the above. She goes on dates, but they haven’t sparked much in the way of excitement or romance. She sometimes wonders if her first relationship was so good that it had become the blueprint for all the rest or if it was just a fluke of feeling that wouldn’t occur twice.

A TikTok user called Lea shares this worry. In one recent video – which has amassed over 600,000 views – she discloses that she has been single for so long that she can no longer tell if she likes anybody or is ever going to like anyone again. “I will go on dates [...] and some dates will be really nice, we’ll have a good time,” she says in the video. “And I will walk away and I will feel absolutely nothing. I don’t know if I just haven’t met the right person or if I have just completely shut down my heart.” Many users in the comments section clearly relate. “I get this. I just don’t think it was ever meant for me,” reads one.

There are many reasons why dating as a long-term single can be tricky. One woman called Taylor tells me that she has been single for more than seven years and now finds herself struggling to convince herself to alter her life and routine for another person. “I actually do meet good guys on the dating scene, which is a surprise to a lot of my partnered friends, who assume I’m single for reasons of scarcity,” she tells me. “But a big part of it is me. I’ve had all of this time to make a life I’m extremely happy with, and the idea of sacrificing any of that makes me hesitate. I feel so strongly about the quality of my life and my own emotional safety that other people no longer excite me romantically.” 

Some people might identify with labels which help explain these feelings. Demisexuality, for example, is an orientation where sexual attraction can only form between highly emotionally connected partners, while asexuality is an orientation characterised by a lack of sexual attraction. These terms have been in common parlance for long enough that most of us understand them or know some people who identify as such. But they’re not always applicable: I also know many people who don’t feel like these labels fit them. They have experienced love, lust, desire, hunger for romantic connection, but now, for whatever reason, they don’t.

Some people know deep down that they do still want to be in love one day, even if the accompanying feelings are eluding them for the moment. So is there a way to date while feeling like this that isn’t a total waste of time for you or unfair to the people you’re dating?

I think the answer here is yes, but with some considerations. Framing dating as a box-ticking exercise or an attempt to confirm your own feelings as fast as possible sets you up for disaster. It may be that you need to divest from the idea that fireworks should be flying at the end of the first date, that one or two meetings should be enough to get the gears of your heart turning again. Why not give yourself longer? Time can be on your side if you only let it, and as long as you communicate clearly that you can only take things at a considered and deliberate pace, you needn’t feel guilty for any of it. For those people you meet who you think are solid and good fun, why not commit to a minimum of three or more dates before you make a ruling or count them out? Of course, don’t string someone along if you know you can’t imagine ever falling for them, but allow enough time for feelings to bloom as you get to know them more fully.

Divest from the idea that fireworks should be flying at the end of the first date, that one or two meetings should be enough to get the gears of your heart turning again

As in Taylor’s case, it may be that after years of being alone and building a life so suited to your own needs, the idea of ceding ground is one that your body and brain are rejecting wholeheartedly. My advice here is to assess your non-negotiables and work from there. After all, the right person will be willing to do the slow and deliberate work of bonding and building and negotiating boundaries before you attach labels. 

An absence of romantic feeling or an active drive to connect may also be a side effect of things that have happened in past relationships; you might have a compromised sense of safety as a result of harm or unkindness, or abandonment, for example. If so, it’s time to take a closer peek. You can do this alone or with a therapist, but at a certain point, it does tend to insist upon itself. Even if what you discover is that you can be happy entirely alone, the reassurance from a third party can help prevent spiralling and vicious questions in the short term. 

You don’t need to define your life by feeling unmotivated to date, and it doesn’t make you broken to spend months or even years not at all interested in pursuing a relationship. But if you know you do want this, know how good it’s been in the past, then keep some part of you open to possibility. Date on your own terms, tolerate no bullshit, ditch the checklist, try and see the magic in a truly slow burn thing, and above all, be gentle with yourself. There are many ways to fall in love and build a relationship, and you have time to figure them out.