How to fix the dating crisis? Fix the friendship crisis first

When I was young I had a very specific vision of what my adult life would look like. My 20-something self, in my head, had it all. I’d have a high-powered job in a traditional field. Despite the demanding nature of my glass-ceiling-shattering career, I’d still have time for lunch with my girlfriends. I’d live in a fabulous loft in a fabulous city. I’d meet interesting guys and go on fun dates, some more successful than others. But that didn’t matter. I had my chic loft, abundant bank account, my girls, and the unwavering belief that a full life was my guaranteed future. 

Fast forward a decade and, unsurprisingly, my grown-up life is very different to what Baby Kui envisioned. I don’t have a traditional career or a fabulous loft. But that’s OK. What’s been more difficult to digest is how hard it’s been to maintain my friendships. The past decade of my life has been characterised by a series of frenzied attempts at self-actualisation: with society’s encouragement, this ambition became the centre of my life. Over time, trying to achieve this overwhelmed me, and soon, fitting friends into the equation started to feel like an impossible task. 

I’m not alone in this feeling. Society has emphasised individualism for years and now, the value of community has been lost. The result is a generation of people like me, who have forgotten how to be there for others. With this in mind, it’s little wonder we are all feeling more lonely than ever: recent research found that 80 per cent of Gen Z say they’ve struggled with loneliness over the last 12 months, with the World Health Organisation declaring loneliness a ‘global public health concern’ back in 2023. 

At the same time, modern dating is in crisis, with Gen Z swearing off dating apps, having less sex than previous generations, and even embracing celibacy. Many have pointed the finger at dating apps as the root cause of the ongoing crisis – and while the apps have undoubtedly changed dating culture (and not for the better), I’d argue that the dating crisis is actually a symptom of the friendship crisis.

“Great relationships are built on a foundation of friendship,” marriage and relationships coach Adaeze Chiwoko explains. “So if we’re struggling to make and maintain friendships, it’s no surprise that dating is suffering too. Chiwoko explains that “building friendships takes practice and a certain level of social skills” and we improve these skills through “regular in-person interactions.”

Those interactions, for many of us, are far and few between. A 2023 study found that people between the ages of 15 and 24 spend a whopping 70 per cent less time in person with their friends than their Gen X counterparts did in 2003. More recent data shows that the time Americans spend with their friends has gone down dramatically, from six hours a week to three. 

Our worsening social skills have made communication more complicated. “Bar one or two people, I couldn’t tell you what any of the people I’ve dated have actually been looking for,” says 25-year-old Nona. “Are they looking for a relationship? A hook-up? A situationship?” She adds that she’s struggled with expressing her own feelings too. “I haven’t really shared either, and I’ve been too scared to ask directly.” 

Great relationships are built on a foundation of friendship

Fear is something I feel constantly in my social life. Whether it’s telling my boyfriend something he’s done has disappointed me, or telling a friend I don’t want to do something they really want to do, that pang of fear stops me. But it stops my relationships from growing too. 

Growth is scary because investing in connections is scary. And it doesn’t help that dating advice on social media encourages us to be constantly on our toes looking out for red flags. But Chiwoko says that giving in to fear and anxiety can stop us from truly bonding with someone. “Social media constantly feeds us negative narratives about relationships — red flags, toxicity, failed marriages — which makes people more fearful of dating than they’d probably admit,” she explains. “Many have adopted a hyper-cautious approach, overanalysing every potential partner before they even get to know them.”

The issue isn’t just that we’re too afraid to be vulnerable. In our increasingly individualistic society, we’re also often too tired to show up in our relationships. 32-year-old Jason* feels his friends can be “unreliable” and they “don’t make as much reciprocal effort to check in or keep in touch.”

Dating coach Kristina Michaels says that this often happens because our “emotional bandwidth is stretched thin”, whether that’s due to working a demanding job in a strained economy, social media overwhelm, or mental health struggles more generally. Similarly, according to CEO of Three Day Rule Adam Cohen-Aslatei, we’ve lost the “traditional community structures” that helped us stay effortlessly connected in the past as well as the “daily social interaction and camaraderie that come with working in an office” as growing numbers of people work from home. Today, we have to do so much to stay close, and most days, it feels like too much. 

So where do we go from here? Joseph Cavins, LFMT and Clinical Director for Southern California Sunrise Recovery says young people need “a return to viewing relationships as opportunities for genuine connection and growth.” The more grace we give all parties involved, the more open we’ll be to truly connecting. 

We also have to bite the bullet and put ourselves out there more. Chiwoko recommends finding a new hobby or activity that you can fit into your lifestyle. “The connections you make online may feel real, but they lack the depth that builds truly fulfilling relationships,” Chiwoko says. “Prioritise face-to-face interactions whenever possible.” Nona, for example, takes an acting workshop a couple of times a month to help her combat “the social anxiety hurdle of speaking to strangers.” 

As I’ve put Baby Kui’s delusions of grandeur to bed, new dreams of building a community rooted in acceptance, mutual interests, and love have formed. There’s a long road ahead, but I’m going to start by showing up for my friends however I can, whenever I can. I hope that, somewhere along the way, I learn healthier social habits and find my own version of a full life.