Being continually let down by men can feel like stepping on the same upturned plug again and again. Here, Beth McColl shares her advice for how to gradually let your walls down
I’ll just come out and say it: dating men can be the absolute pits. As an advice columnist and relationship writer for almost a decade, my inbox has long been a front line for stories of bone-chilling dates, dastardly doings and unfathomable betrayals. I’ve heard from women who were hurt by men in ways that would put hairs on your chest and then rip those hairs right off. Cheating, cruelty, gaslighting, emotional affairs with OnlyFans chat bots, identity fraud, abandonment abroad – the lot. In the words of Dame Gemma Collins: “it’s hell in there, it’s horror.”
Of course, not all blokes are untrustworthy, and men are also acted on by punishing and bizarre social forces that can make dating a fraught and painful experience. I know this, you know this, and I hope we can continue without needing to repeat it. Not all men!
Anyway, it’s understandable that lots of us feel distrustful after years of bad experiences (both our own and those of all the women we’ve ever met in club bathrooms). Understandable – but not ideal if you would like to fall in love with a man one day. Because, as it turns out, distrust and love do not go hand in hand. One is a tightly closed fist, while the other is an open palm full of apple slices that a wild horse is softly nibbling on.
My first piece of advice, then, is to spend time with the people in your life who you know to be discerning and who rate their male partners highly. Seeing good relationships at work makes it easier to remember the rewards of trying, of remaining in the game. Similarly, if there are any men who you do trust, try to keep them in mind as you navigate the dating scene. Lean into the knowledge that this world is not without its good blokes, its blokes who are honest and faithful and patient and won’t emit a high frequency wail if you go near their unlocked phone.
Make dating men just one part of a very big picture rather than the driving force behind every action, decision and fear
Second, rethink your dating timeline. If you’re in a trust deficit with men, you can’t rush your way out of it. Instead, work with the facts. You are a person who requires ample proof of someone’s decency and good intentions. Therefore, you can’t leap without looking, can’t make any assumptions, can’t half-arse it. Instead, try and date in a way that allows you to get to know people before moving anywhere beyond acquaintance status – essentially, with intention. This can look like asking proper questions about their history, their goals and their values (and, crucially, giving them the time and space to demonstrate that they’re not just saying what you want to hear). This more considered approach also has the added bonus of allowing guys to self-select as too impatient, too withholding or, yes, too dishonest, and bail.
And when that happens – don’t fret. It can only be a good thing for people to duck out and prove themselves as a poor match for you. Release the outcome of individual dates and allow the people you date to either meet you where you’re at or move on.
To assess whether a man is trustworthy or not will eventually require trusting one enough to get close and show you that he is. So, try to gain as much clarity as possible on your lack of trust now. Talk about it in therapy, write about it in a journal, discuss it with trusted women in your circle, ask your male friends for their perspective on it and listen closely to their answers. It might not entirely assuage your doubts, but it will hopefully mean that when you do meet someone who seems great, you’ll be better able to discuss your alarm bells, pains and anxieties with them.
Finally, do whatever you can to live a very big life, a life that is not rocked to its foundations just because a man reveals himself to be undeserving of your trust. Strike up conversations with strangers. Travel. Create things with your bare hands. Love your friends deeply. Make dating men just one part of a very big picture rather than the driving force behind every action, decision and fear.
And if, after all of this, you still find yourself distrusting every single man on sight and filtering all of their words and actions through a prism of violence suspicion, then it may be you’re not just ready to be dating them. And it may be that’s no bad thing! Sometimes exposure is therapeutic and sometimes it’s like stepping on the same upturned plug again and again. So, consider an extended break from dating to reconnect with reality: one where healing is possible, where some men do wrong but not all, where you feel safe. The rest will follow.