Yesterday, the world's most famous musicians said #TidalForAll and it was really strange – here's a look back at the weirdest scenes of the day
Remember yesterday? It was kind of weird wasn't it? Kanye, Rihanna, Madonna and more all turned their Twitter accounts the same shade of turquoise and pledged allegiance to Tidal, Jay Z's new streaming service that promises to knock Spotify off its perch with "lossless" quality streams priced at $20 a month.
Later that day, Jay Z enlisted the most successful musicians on this planet to attend the evening press conference in LA to #VoteTidal, but everything felt resolutely alien. Here's a look back at why it was odd.
THE FAILED HANDSHAKE BETWEEN DEADMAU5 AND MADONNA WAS A SHITSHOW
Really surprised Deadmau5 made it onto this bill to be honest and only goes to show that maybe it's easier to get into the Illuminati than I thought. Aside from turning up in his trademark plastic mouse mask, he was also wearing odd Converse, a style that hasn't been seen or talked about since this incident on Yahoo Answers in 2008:
The image of him and Madonna together makes for an awkward matrimony, you know like when David Cameron stands next to "hard working people" or something. The two clearly aren't tight, as this bomb of a handshake proves. Maybe it's hard to see through that all gaudy plastic. Whatever the reasons, the greeting ends with a pat on the stomach, showing that even the world's most famous fuck it up sometimes.
ALICIA KEYS QUOTING NIETZSCHE IN HER PRO-TIDAL EULOGY
Oh Alicia. She dropped cliches like "music makes the world go round" and spoke about "feeling the energy in the room". When she said "Our goal is simple. We want to create a better service and a better experience for fans and artists, that is our promise to the world. Our mission goes beyond commerce," she sounded worryingly like a hubristic politician.
The awe-inspiring quotes continued: “We believe Frederick Nietzsche couldn’t have been more right when he said ‘without music, life would be a mistake’,” she said. “We’re gathered…with one voice in unity in the hopes that today will be another one of those moments in time, a moment that will forever change the course of music history”. Jesus, rein it in, now.
THREE CYBORGS ONSTAGE?
Daft Punk also tipped up to rep Tidal, which meant that in that long line of very famous people there were what looked like three cyborgs onstage including Deadmau5. This lent the lineup a bizarre feel – what are those guys hiding? Are they smirking under there? Why can't I see their faces? The event already felt like we were being conned by superhuman extra-terrestrials, the presence of those three robots felt like a confirmation.
WHEN CALVIN HARRIS WAS ANNOUNCED AND A TV JUST SWITCHED ON
The appearance of Calvin Harris anywhere continues to bemuse me. I remember when he was that guy who wrote "Acceptable in the 80s" – fair enough, solid pop song. Now, the Scot is so famous and so rich that I don't even know what his tunes sound like – he's beyond music.
He was welcomed to the stage and everyone expected him to strut on, all "yeah I know, crazy I made it here, right?" but instead a TV switched on and there was Calvin looking like he was about to conduct a job interview over Skype and probably not get it. Where were you? What better things did you have on? Noticeably muted applause compared to the other muted applause heard throughout the rest of the evening.
JACK WHITE'S HAIR
Mr White showed up rocking a new plume of jet black hair that looked like it might actually contain a second brain. Or...he'd deliberately styled it like a #Tidal wave to be extra on point. It was shaped like a horseshoe so that in theory, if Jack White knelt down in front of you, it'd probably be possible to eat soup out of it. It really did look that Brylcreem solid.
IN CONCLUSION
It made for quite weird, stunted watching, but when this many rich, famous, successful people are in a room selling a product, it's impossible not to raise an eyebrow and wonder what's really going on here. Yeah you can be all "it's for the people and the artists" and maybe it is, but I wonder how many fans of music in 2015 are really that bothered about lossless quality audio? I haven't seen many people caring too much when they're listening to "Starships" off a phone on the back of a bus. Guess we'll see – it's hard to imagine a crew that heavy not being able to force this product on the world whether it likes it or not.