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Burberry snail TikTok
via TikTok (@slimetownusa)

‘I am fucking crazy. But I am free’: Meet the snail doing Burberry sponcon

We catch up with the TikTok globule on her laggard journey to lifestyle influencer

Body like a phlegmy mass, spirit of a reckless abandonée… she’s got that 24/7 Sylvia Plath, happiness is a butterfly, prison shag vibe about her. I am, of course, talking about Velveeta, who is a snail documenting her life on social media. A dark and twisted heroine bound in mucus, her cumbersome frame hauls itself towards glamour but is destined only to secrete a disgusting quantity of slime. Though she is saddled with an off-putting shell and moves at a tedious pace, she has become the world’s first #snailfluencer – defying the fashion industry’s impervious body standards to hawk designer clothing to teenagers.

I have seen videos on TikTok where Velveeta lugs her gluey bod around a heart-shaped bed, her antennae trembling in erotic anticipation; another where she inches out from a bathroom stall, her engorged tail caked in loo roll; and one where she is framed Edward Hopper-style in an amber-lit café, an avatar of urban alienation. But my eyes struggled to focus on one particular video, where the snail was filmed circling a built-to-scale imitation of Burberry’s Frances bag… hashtagged #ad. Nearly a million views for a phylum Mollusca? It beggars belief! It’s the most viral snail video right now!

Below, we catch up with the sponcon globule on her laggard journey to lifestyle influencer.

Hi Velveteen! How are you?

Velveeta: It’s Velveeta.

Oh sorry, is that your real name?

Velveeta: Yas! I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me that I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing due north. No fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean.

Did you always want to be an influencer? 

Velveeta: Yaas! I was a singer, but not a very popular one. I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky. And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying.

@slimetownusa For @burberry A snail and their Frances Bag, on a little journey home #burberry # ad #thefrancesbag ♬ original sound - slimetown

I imagine people tend to overlook you when you are 1cm tall?

Velveeta: OMG lol yeah. But not on TikTok, where I am as big as the iPhone screen! When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing and how I had been living, they asked me why, but there’s no use in talking to people who have a home. They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people or for home to be wherever you lay your shell. 

How do you feel about your newfound fame?

Velveeta: Haha loves it! I was born to be the other woman. Who belonged to no one. Who belonged to everyone who had nothing. Who wanted everything. With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom.

What’s in your Burberry bag?

Velveeta: OMG let me see! Diamonds, dirt, and some gorgeous lipstick of course! A first edition Nabakov, a can of Pepsi Cola, and a couple of blisters of paracetamol.

Why did you want to work with Burberry as a brand?

Velveeta: Daniel Lee obvs! Such a hottie! Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people. And finally I did. On the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore. Except to make our lives into a work of art. 

What do you do when you’re not making content? 

Velveeta: Brunch! I believe in the freedom of the open road. And my motto is the same as ever – “I believe in the kindness of strangers”.

What’s next for Velveteen? 

Velveeta: It’s Velveeta! But Live fast. Die young. Be wild. And have fun. I am fucking crazy. But I am free.