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A guide to beauty hangover hacks, by Anthon Raimund


TextLydia Rose Veljanovski

From haemorrhoid cream to hairspray, the socialite and Photoshop provocateur dishes out the best beauty advice for a hangover

Designer Anthon Raimund initially began photoshopping his images to make his friends laugh, but when he became inundated with questions about his ‘cosmetic procedures’ he quickly realised the power of Instagram to project a personal mythology. Anthon is fascinated by the fluid nature of digital identity, and how it can be used to construct an online persona wholly different from our IRL counterparts. As well as editing his photos, all his articles are ‘ghostwritten’ by Lydia Veljanovski. Although his Instagram is undeniably a parody of mainstream accounts, it is also a homage to them. Anthon feels that excess, glamour and artificiality are qualities to be celebrated, not scorned at.

Hello, I’m Anthon Raimund and I haven’t been to bed. Rave, rave against the dying of the light. I am the beautiful and I am the damned. But despite last night’s sins I still look as pure as a celestial virgin. My eyes are as bright as a Ritz chandelier and my skin glows like a Diptyque candle. Fans and followers often ask me what is my secret is. While generous genetics are undoubtedly at play, my beauty regime is as militant as an SAS training camp. If you too want to soldier on, here are my hangover and pre-hangover beauty hacks. Wash these down with a mimosa, my darlings.

Hair of the dog (literally)

While hair of the dog is a much-recommended method for rejuvenation, why not use last night’s supply on your hair too. Lathering your locks with flat beer is said to give you a softer, glossier and more voluminous mane. The hops used in beer production contain silica, which strengthens hair follicles and promotes growth. It is also a divine excuse for smelling less than Chanel.

Haemorrhoid cream

Pile on the haemorrhoid cream to awaken tired eyes. From anal to facial, this little miracle works by restricting blood vessels and reducing redness. It contains 1% hydrocortisone, an anti-inflammatory that will downsize those bags from suitcases to evening clutches.

Hairspray

It’s always best to be prepared as one never knows where the night might take you. Whether I’m in bed by midnight or noon the next day, my make-up, just like my social status, should never slip. For this reason, every night, after I’ve finished doing my make-up and just before I leave the palace, I douse my face in hairspray. Spray it up into the air, close your eyes and tilt your head back, then let the chemicals fall like tiny, toxic snowflakes to settle on your skin.

In case of the sweats

The morning après the soirée can leave you perspiring like a hippy in a sweat lodge. To keep soft skin looking matte we all must look to our Korean friends, the originators of the divine beauty trick known as Jamsu, otherwise known as ice cold water. If you followed my last tip, you’re make-up should still be intact. So all you need to do is puff your face in baby powder then dip it into ice-cold water. It sets, and you are set to go.

The land of milk and honey

In the Bible, the Promised Land was awash with milk and honey, and I can promise that washing with those ingredients is the path to sacred skin. Honey is rich in antioxidant and antifungal properties that provide soothing and anti-inflammatory effects, while milk is full of minerals and vitamins. The combined benefits result in radiant and glowing skin. Best used after an all-nighter, when your skin is tired and dehydrated.

Spooning

If you haven’t managed to spoon in bed because you’ve been up all night forking, this is the beauty hack you need. You’re over your smokey look from the night before and you want a fresher day-time look but the hangover-shakes are making defining your eyes risky work. So why not use a teaspoon to create perfect winged eyeliner. Hold the spoon over the lid and follow the curvature round. I find silver spoons the most effective.

Conceal and correct

Dancing inside my social circle can leave dark circles beneath my eyes. Concealer can’t always cover my sins and one has to resort to neutralising the colour. For this, a red-orange lipstick is pocket-sized perfection. Apply it to your eye-bags and it will balance out the blue-tones.

Aspirin, but for your spots

Dr Anthon here, prescribing you Asprin. Take two for your headache and one for your visage. Crush it up into a paste and apply to any unsightly spots. The pill contains acetylsalicylic acid that dries the skin, getting rid of excess oil. Aspirin is also an anti-inflammatory and will give you a flawless complexion that’ll inflame your rivals and ex-lovers.


And that’s about it. Oh, and sunglasses are a must.

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