Pin It
IMG_3567fWEB

How to be a beautiful werewolf


TextCharlie Fox

From fur to claws, This Young Monster author, Charlie Fox devises the best beauty tips for all you wanton werewolves out there ahead of tomorrow's Halloween

Awoooool! Existence is bleak if you’re a teenage werewolf girl. Transforming from a cute, germ-free princess to a pubescent freak with wonky fangs who leak creepy fluids is hellish anyway but then you have the additional nightmare of mutating into a hungry werewolf every fucking month. Thank you, supernatural malady. To make it all even more apocalyptic, history’s crammed with beautiful vampires galore but hardly any heart-stopping werewolves. Uh, there is the Beast from Cocteau La Belle et La Bête (1946) with his adorable little fangs and his descendent in the amazing Disney movie. Perhaps they were handsome because they were hexed by crafty enchantresses and not mutilated by a rabid mutt. The world is so cruel it makes you wanna jump in a swamp. But calm yourselves, gloomy lycanthropes, because you too can be as delicious as the zonked-out wraiths you see on Instagram. Next full moon, don’t suffocate yourself in a muzzle, take downers to ward off your gnarliest symptoms and zone out to Netflix. Go out into the night and shake the furry rump that Satan gave you! Like Red Riding Hood, all you have to do is pay attention to certain body parts…

What strange fur you have?

Natürlich, jet-black fur will always scream ‘elegance’ and make all goth wolves swoon— Rick Owens figured this out long ago— but it’s Halloween, pups, you wanna mess with the formula. Terrify the obnoxious boys who hurt you by coating your pelt in fluorescent paint so you glow in the dark like a radioactive ghost. Go for Grinch green flames or shocks of hellfire red from the Suspiria ballet school to feel like you’ve just fled from some horror movie dreamscape.

The classic witch strategy of eating kids to keep your flesh at its most beautiful is hard work if you can’t lure the dumb creeps to their deaths with your very own cute house built from candy and marshmallows. Stick to the organic methods for your fur— bask in toxic grunge or huff raw glitter when you wake up— and it will achieve the same heartbreaking lustre as the manes on the sisters from The Virgin Suicides. Magical. Shiny fur will keep you feeling glam even when you’re puking in a ditch just before sunrise to exorcise the damage from a night of hardcore bloodlust. Aw, the simple joys of being a monster.

What big teeth you have

Who says rappers should have all the fun with fangs? Dunk them in gold or coat them in chrome like a cyberpunk sculpture. Your mouth is a vortex of unstoppable excitement: it’s where you lick up blood, chew flesh, bark and, duh, howl: light it up. I got mine done at the circus because they usually have some pretty amoral dudes sharking around there— you saw that movie Freaks, nope? Getting your fangs fixed without anaesthetic kills so if you do it, remember to ask your vet for ketamine. Oral hygiene matters even if you’re feral: go to your local pet store and get your paws on some of those fudge-brown anti-bacterial dog chews you see handsome Golden Retrievers eating in adverts. (P.S. Dog biscuits soaked in blood make a fantastic snack if you can’t find any hot punk flesh to gobble up.) Tooth decay can be a serious lure if you wanna attract nihilistic dudes or zombie fetishists. Alexander McQueen proved exposing rotten bones and other morbid details can be unspeakably sexy. (If you need an industrial-strength collar, befriend a dominatrix.) Yup, smoke will ooze out of your mouth and fur like your body is a satanic factory. Don’t be scared, you intoxicating beast: it just means you’re excited.   

What big eyes you have

Just because when you transform you have fuzzy ears and an awesome velvet snout that helps you sniff out lonesome humans, don’t forget your disorientating eyes. Stare at your eyeballs in the mirror as they get all cold and lupine just before you rip off your useless human flesh to reveal to the mad beast underneath: it’s like falling in love or getting that first wave of spooky warmth from a hit of MDMA. Is that the same thing? I’m drooling at the memory. Remember to show off your putrefying green flesh if you’re lucky enough to have any zombie blood swirling around inside you. You’ll look like virus-riddled roadkill, which will turn your prey’s brains to goo. Decay is beautiful. If you wanna look extra-haunted and cadaverous, lurk around under Beetlejuice green neon lights. The best light to show off your demonic eyes naturally occurs in graveyards after dark, which are sick places to get high, too, grrrls. 

What big claws you have 

Make your claws tres ‘fetch’ as a sugary creature in Mean Girls once purred. Glitter-encrusted claws are killer if you want some of that legendary Party Monster troll vibe and/or to flex like you’re the Wicked Witch of the West obtaining valuable information from her crystal ball. Channel the raven with its spooky talons. A French manicure may sound too ordinary as if you’re just trying to rip off the normal girls. Relax, it’s not like you’re going to suddenly fall in love with some brainless hunk named ‘Steve’. A French manicure works if you wanna impersonate an aristocratic sociopath. (Countess Báthory probably would’ve opted for the same look if she wasn’t caught up in being one of history’s greatest vampires and bathing in the blood of teenage girls.) A flash of ‘good taste’ can make your so-called deformity even more enchanting. The perfect situation to debut your graceful claws would be strutting down the runway in a punky but funereal Black Swan costume. All the fashion brains in the audience would be exploding like bloody pumpkins anyway— who unleashed a wolf? And who dressed it so exquisitely?— and then you’d emit a blood-curdling howl: all the better to scare them to death, my dear.


Photography: Emily Schubert
Make-up: Emily Schubert
Model: Coco Campbell

Read Next
Holly Dillon
Why I turned to traditional Chinese medicine to cure my psoriasis Tried and Tested
Gucci Thomas de Kluyver
Thank god for Gucci and its trowelled-on Cosmogonie make-up Beauty news
IMG_1895
The Black-owned beauty brand mixing Scandi minimalism and African tradition Beauty Feature
Kiko colourful brows
Curl up and dye: the idiot’s guide to dyeing your own eyebrows Beauty School
Here x Haeckels x Tetsuo Lin
Fragrances made from extinct flowers may soon be a reality Beauty Feature
hair cut
What’s behind the sudden rise in hair growth products? Beauty Feature
Screenshot 2022-05-11 at 11.27.40
What’s in an accent? How class hierarchy enacts its power through voice Beauty Feature
Fitch Lunar BTS
Hairstylist Fitch Lunar’s creations are sexily imperfect Spotlight
Screenshot 2022-05-03 at 10.47.54(1)
‘Not ugly, just poor’: how the beauty industry is widening the class divide Beauty Feature
1322804
May 2022 horoscope: expect immense change this Eclipse season Horoscopes
201525970_239273504251470_1235479440564576554_n
The latest nail trend proves that everyone wants to be a 90s child Trending Beauty
DB 03
Supercuts: a tribute to subcultural hair styles through the ages Photo story
Lynski
This Ukraine fundraising event has all of your favourite beauty creatives Beauty news
Seth Rogen
Everyone loves Seth Rogen’s gloopy acrylic manicure Beauty news
Goodnight Mommy
The women getting cosmetic procedures in secret Beauty Feature
vanderbiltball
Gilded Met Gala inspo for celebs who won’t get the memo Beauty Feature