We’re here to help
Sex in isolation is looking a little different to what we might be used to. For those people not in lockdown with a partner, it means having to navigate a whole new set of issues in order to stay sexually fulfilled rather than frustrated. It might mean making the switch from IRL interactions to nudes and phone sex. Or figuring out how to have a good orgasm when you can’t get any privacy from your flatmates.
Whatever your isolation sex concerns are Tasneem Nathari AKA Hoodrat Feminist is here to help. The sex positive activist and role model took to Dazed Beauty’s Instagram over the weekend to answer your questions and give advice about all things sex and body related. Here is what we learnt.
Unless you are isolating with a partner, masturbation is going to be your new go-to activity when you are feeling sexually frustrated. A big proponent of female masturbation, Nathari says she has learnt so much about her body from masturbating. For anyone new to it, she suggests starting off with your fingers. “You should use what you have before you incorporate any toys,” she says. As you grow into it then you can start experimenting with toys, starting off with ones that aren’t too expensive until you learn what you like.
FEELING SEXY WITHOUT EXTERNAL AFFIRMATION
Asked how you can feel sexy without having someone to affirm it for you, Nathari says that when she has struggled with her confidence in the past she has found joy and strength in masturbating in front of the mirror and making eye contact with herself. “That makes me feel sexy.”
Mirrors are also great, she says, to help you feel sexy and confident during sex. “I love fucking in front of, near, underneath a mirror and whenever I catch a glimpse of myself looking so beautiful I feel sexy and I feel confident. I like to also maintain eye contact with my partner during sex because seeing how much joy and pleasure I am giving them makes me feel so confident.”
Sexual interactions in isolation when you are not with your partner consists of sending nudes, sexting and dirty talk, Nathari says. The self-proclaimed nude expert loves nothing more than a backlit, full nude silhouette of your full body. “I like to turn to the side a little bit so you can see my boobs. I love subtly, I love one nipple.” If you are looking for examples, Nathari is more than happy to provide. “DM me,” she says.
ORGASMING WITH FLATMATES
If you live with flatmates who are now also at home 24/7 it can be tricky to find the privacy to have a good orgasm especially if you are loud.
Not to worry, Nathari has some advice for those who “can’t stand a loud orgasm and then having to avoid eye contact when going for your after-nut snack.” Try turning the music up, try masturbating under the covers and pulling them over your head so the sound is muffled and try to practice breathing through the orgasm. “Deep breaths, inhales, exhales so that you won’t moan as loud,” she recommends.
NAVIGATING VIDEO SEX
Asked for advice by someone who said her partner wants to video call but she doesn’t, although she still wants to send photos and sext, Nathari says communication is key. “If someone wants to do something that you don’t want to do, you don’t have to do it,” she says. “I think you should communicate to them that you don’t want to do it, I don’t think you need to give them an explanation. And if you run them away good riddance because anyone who wants to do something you are not comfortable with, you don’t want to be around that person anyway.”
Nathari also said communication is vital when it comes to making sure you are receiving pleasure and not putting yourself second. “Let your partner know what you like,” she says. “I am the queen of moaning instructions.”
HOW TO BE CONFIDENT IN YOUR SEXUALITY
Lastly, Nathari had some advice for people who are struggling with feeling confident about owning their own and being comfortable with it. “I have had to unlearn everything I was taught about sex before I could become confident in my sexuality,” she says. “I had to get my parents out of my head, I had to get church and religion out of my head and I had to learn that I deserve to be pleasured, I deserve pleasurable experiences and I surround myself with people who believe that.”
Also: listen to Lil Kim’s debut record Hard Core. “I was raised by my mother, my grandmother and female rappers. Female rappers helped me to see the sexiness in me.”