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I trimmed my balls – just for you

TextPatrick Heardman

But did BALLS™ live up to its promise of a SackSafe™ experience?

While it might seem an entirely modern and metrosexual ritual, men have actually been shaving their balls for millennia. For the best part of 30,000 years, guys have been tending to their nether regions for the perceived hygienic and sexual benefits, as well as for pure aesthetics.

Hair removal was religiously observed in ancient Egypt, especially among priests who, according to the Greek historian Herodotus, would “shave their whole body every other day, that no lice or other impure things may adhere to them when they are engaged in the service of the gods.”

Similarly, to have excessive bodily hair in ancient Rome was to be savage and barbarian. Julius Cesar would have his facial hair plucked every single day, and the first shave of a young Roman would be celebrated as an official entry into manhood. The ancient Greeks also had a preference for glabrous skin and would singe their pubic hair for the smooth finish often sported by figures on Greek pottery.

“A brief consultation with a handful of lads will tell you that the scissors/shave combo remains a popular choice, and that ‘keeping the garden tidy’ is the general order of the day, although this can depend on levels of sexual activity”

Thousands of years later, and the testes are still very much factored into the beauty routines of today, a time in which self-care and sexual wellbeing are of increasing priority. 62 per cent of men say they now trim or shave their delicate area, according to a survey carried out by Men’s Health, although the preferred method and the interval between each nut-trim differs wildly from one individual to the next.

A brief consultation with a handful of lads will tell you that the scissors/shave combo remains a popular choice, and that “keeping the garden tidy” is the general order of the day, although this can depend on levels of sexual activity. “Might as well forget my balls at this moment in time” one man I spoke to told me, “purely decorative atm #valentines.” Another, who cannot be named for legal reasons, lost his ball-trimming virginity at the ripe old age of 24, a truly stunning feat of male neglect. 

But one company is hoping to consign such tales of unkempt sacks to the annals of history. The age-old practice of the testi-trim – once performed using crude tools such as flint, clamshells, and even shark’s teeth – can now be carried out with razor-sharp precision thanks to the BALLS™ trimmer, which promises to usher in a new era of male grooming.

“The patented device, expertly glides across the most complex and vulnerable of surfaces”, according to the press release, “ensuring there’s no pain or sensitivity.” The “new grooming gadget” comes with “extra fine trimmers for safe hair removal in sensitive areas” as well as a host of other features. So, pushing aside apprehensions about putting something that rotates 6,000 times a minute near my testicles, I put the trimmer through its paces to see if it really could offer a SackSafe™ experience.

Taking cues from other male grooming products on the market, the trimmer feels expressly developed to appeal to the ‘reluctant male groomer’, One who fears the blokey rebuttal of his mates if he ever advanced his self-care regime beyond taking a shower, one who has likely asked at some point, without a hint of irony: “Fellas, is it gay to shave your balls?” 

But all the packaging and marketing material – centred around the colour blue, because blue is for boys – doesn’t undermine the trimmer’s functionality. As promised, the glide was silky, the hum of its sharp machinery reassuringly quiet, and the whole process went smoothly without any pulling, nicking, or cutting. In the days following there was a discernible reduction in chafing and a general overall improvement in comfort levels. The look too is now more refined and uniform, but not entirely bare on account of the 3mm attachment guard.  

With all the lofty claims in the press release, I was expecting a lot more design-wise from the device itself, which as it turns out is essentially a very normal electric shaver. It does have a pleasingly ergonomic matte finish though, that genuinely helps with grippage in the shower. It’s a decent size too, smaller than the average electric trimmer, giving it a nimble quality and allowing easier access to those hard to reach areas.

While I sincerely can’t fault the performance of the BALLS™ trimmer – I’m yet to see how quickly the teeth lose sharpness or how often it needs to be charged – the £55 price tag seems steep, especially when any £20 beard trimmer could probably offer nearly identical results. For the boujier man out there, the same company offers a pair of 24k gold tweezers for a casual £10k to “Groom life a don!”. 

After only one use I’ve had no issues, so I’ll happily keep using it. Here’s to hoping I’ll never have to cash in on the ‘Nick your sack, send it back’ guarantee.

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