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adidas x Stella McCartney AW19 campaignCourtesy of adidas

Grimes shares her workout routine, includes sword-fighting and screaming

TextAlex Peters

Is the new face of Stella Macartney for Adidas giving us a supreme troll, or a look into our future?

If you’re sick of influencers’ bonkers diet plans and skinny tea brand partnerships, you may want to take some notes from Grimes’ futuristic workout regimen.

Yesterday, it was announced that the artist and producer would be fronting the new campaign for Stella McCartney’s AW19 collection in collaboration with Adidas. A sustainable collection that utilises innovative materials like recycled polyester, Grimes’ passionate and outspoken dedication to protecting the planet made her the perfect face for the campaign, McCartney said.

After the news broke, Grimes took to her own Instagram, sharing images from the campaign alongside her supposedly regular routine. The full fitness regiment – a serious troll or a glimpse at life in the year 2199 – reaches the maddening heights of CEO Tim Grey’s Patrick Bateman-esque wellness routine.

Grimes’ training “takes a 360 approach”, the musician details. She starts off her day by taking supplements including NAD+ (the miracle molecule), Acetyl L-Carnitine, and Magnesium, in order to maximize the function of her mitochondria. Grimes apparently then spends between two to four hours in her deprivation tank. “This allows me to “astro-glide” to other dimensions – past, present, and future,” she writes.

The sensory deprivation tank is then reportedly followed by a couple of hours sword fighting with trainer James Lew, the famous American martial arts actor (we could definitely use these talents when we all storm Area 51 later this year). After some more cardio and stretching, Grimes’ mind and body are finally starting to function at a peak level, “with a neuroplastic goal between 57.5 and 71.5 AphC’s (which is my preferred range for my blood type),” she says. Grimes then goes to her studio, which she has outfitted with the highest grade of red light (“It is pretty much 1000 sqf IR Sauna”) and enjoys a 20 minute screaming session while slow boiling some honey tea.

Grimes then claims that she’s undergone some serious bio-hacking with experimental surgery on her eyes to eliminate all blue light from her vision. According to the Art Angels producer, the top film of her eyeballs have been removed and replaced with an “orange ultra-flex polymer” that she and her friends made “in the lab”, in order to cure seasonal depression. 

She then goes to bed with a humidifier on, obviously.

So what have we learnt from this mind-bending routine? Grimes is in great shape, and she could definitely hold her own in a sword fight, and – as we have long suspected – that she is a superior, otherworldly being, already living in the future. Things not to incorporate into your routine – experimental eye film surgery. Things to incorporate – screaming sessions and swords.

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