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How Donald Trump as President could amp up our sex lives

If Trump was elected it’d be an unmitigated disaster, but here we look on the bright side and the possibility of a rise in butt sex, group sex and men lasting longer in bed

TextVirgin MiriIllustrationMax Rawlins

We live in a world where we can travel to space and 3D print a human heart, but choose to fight over details like same-sex marriage and Kimye vs Taylor Swift. Our dateability is measured in our follower count and most humans have an attention span shorter than a goldfish. I’d like to say stranger things have happened, but I’m not quite sure – it’s time to face the facts and realise that Trump becoming prez is an actual possibility.

We’re all familiar with the alarming scenarios that could arise along with electing the republican nominee – the ‘total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States’, the bringing back of waterboarding and the acceleration of global warming. The list goes on. But I like to call myself an optimist, I see the good in people and situations. I don’t have problems, I have opportunities. I know, I know, Trump is a racist sexist who allegedly doesn’t care about anything as long as you have “a young and beautiful piece of ass”. But aren’t you sick of hearing about his endless racial slurs, his plans for the great wall of Mexico and how he’d date his own daughter if they weren’t related? Like Eckhart Tolle has taught us – if unhappy, you have three options; remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. In this case, since we can’t change or remove Trump, we can only choose to accept him. So, to look on the bright side – here’s how Trump’s presidency will spice up your sex life.

“Sodomy will no longer be described as a crime against nature, but rather be considered a natural act of avoiding crime – that is having an abortion”


It’s a given – thoughts of the apocalypse triggers sexual desire. If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do? Yeah, me too. Nobody wants to die a virgin. You get one day to explore all of your sexual fantasies – the only logical activity is celebrating life and making the best of our last days on earth. Finally, we would throw off our clothes, be one with nature and seize the day. Because when fucked, what else is there to do than fuck?


Good news for the average man who orgasms within five minutes. In preparation for the apocalypse, you will most likely work out intensely. Through building muscle and burning fat you'll improve your performance a great deal. Stretching will bring focus and eventually lead to orgasmic meditation. New energy, positions, and sensations along with increased strength and cardio will spark up your sex life. Expect longer, wilder and more intense love making sessions.


Because of new abortion laws, we will take safety first and make our entrance through the back door. As a result, this dirty deed will lose its taboo even among the most traditional marriages and we can start taking our pleasure seriously. With the rise of its mainstream popularity, sodomy will no longer be described as a crime against nature, but rather be considered a natural act of avoiding crime – that is having an abortion. Please remember to warm up.


I really wasn't expecting a previous Playboy cover model to suddenly consider pornography to be a public health crisis, you know, like the Zika virus or Ebola. But with Trump signing an anti-porn pledge we can finally say that pornography, with its deadly and harmful effects that is destroying the lives of millions, is finally over with. This will eventually lead to more human interaction and actual real life love making. Sexually frustrated men and women will ditch their useless computers and try out the real world (Tinder) to meet mates.


It is a well-known fact that women are louder than men during sex. Another well-known fact is that Trump likes to oppress and shut women up as well as speak about them as objects and animals. Naturally, as women go quieter men will get louder and finally, pleasure noises of the sexes will be balanced. As a result, in order to figure out what the quiet woman enjoys, we will pay her more attention and listen more carefully.


There is only one proven way of fighting hate and hostility successfully - through love and sensibility. To battle an even harsher split and segregation in society we will have but no choice to open ourselves up and build a stronger community. We will come together in curiosity, open-mindedness and acceptance. Trump may be on a mission to make America hate again, but we know that sharing is caring and love trumps (sorry) hate.

“The world will be blessed with additional boners”


Desperate times calls for desperate measures. So when the previous owner of the Miss Universe pageant, who endorses Putin and Kim Jong-un, actually wins the election, it wouldn't be the weirdest thing catching yourself rethinking your preferences and trying a few new things. Through reflecting upon your sexual orientations, this will be a healthy chapter in your life full of explorations, rejuvenation, and fresh perspectives.


According to studies, men who make less money than their wives are more likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction. Because of this fact, and the one that Trump pays his male campaign employees more than his female, the world will be blessed with additional boners. However, because of Trump's history with major discrimination on employment of people of colour, the new world of hard dicks won't be as diverse as we'd hoped. 


Lastly, a few words of motivation. Believe in yourself and others will too. Trump is a reality TV personality who continues to degrade women and their worth. He has refused to rent apartments to African-Americans, has zero respect for the Latino community and is supported by white supremacists. It's simple math. If Donald Trump can run for president, you can ask for that thing you like in the bedroom.

I hope this has opened your eyes a little bit. However, it would be slightly irresponsible of me not to mention that having a president who discriminates against minorities carries a big risk of affecting the rest of our lives in non-positive ways, including turning the US into the real life Hunger Games. So, to all Americans, please take a second, read up, ask questions, and choose wisely before you get that Trump stamp in November.