The state is passing a law that makes both oral and anal sex technically illegal. Here’s some things you can do instead
While good progress is being in made in some US states (New York has just booted gay conversion therapy), there are still some cretins who are really letting the team down. Trans students are being banned from toilets, guns are now the standard campus uniform, and “genital checking” is being actually considered in some public facilities. Even for the most patient person, it can seem like a major case of one step forward, four million steps back.
The latest of these controversial bills is in Michigan, where officials have just passed a law that puts sodomy on a level with bestiality. According to various reports, the state’s Senate have overruled the US Supreme Court with an unconstitutional ban on both anal and oral sex – making it technically illegal to be gay.
“A person who commits the abominable and detestable crime against nature with mankind or with any animal is guilty of a felony punishable by imprisonment for no more than 15 years,” states the legislation, which was originally pushed to protect animal rights. The sentence apparently jumps up to life if the defendant already has any sex offense charges.
Although it doesn’t necessarily mean that these charges can be enforced, it is still a strange message to be pushing – and it’s sadly not the first time for Michigan. The north eastern state has had repeated issues with LGBT rights in recent months, and even made a state-wide attempt to overrule the Supreme Court’s same-sex marriage legalisation last year. Michigan companies also maintain the right to fire someone over their sexuality, if they choose to.
To celebrate the backwardness of these rules, here’s a quick run down of some of the fun things you can still legally do in the US.
MARRY YOUR COUSIN
So you can’t have any anal or oral sex with the person you love. Who cares! What about bog standard intercourse with your cousin instead? In 20 states, this is still actually a totally okay thing to do – with over 0.2 per cent of the nation swearing by its success. Michigan, funnily enough, is one of them.
HAVE SEX WITH SOME ANIMALS
So it turns out that bestiality is very much alive and well in eleven states; including Texas, Ohio, Nevada and Kentucky. In fact, before the Supreme Court’s equal marriage ruling last year, it was even considered more of a humane act than gay sex – with 55 per cent of states opting to make sheep rape legal over same sex marriage.
EAT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING
Cannibalism, according to all the outright rules, is totally fine. Consumption of human flesh – as long as it’s consensual – marks no problem with the US constitution, and only ends up being a problem when murder or sex get involved. There are some loopholes with desecration of the body too, but a well-trained cannibal can manoeuvre through those with ease.
THROW SOME MISSILES
All fine. In South Carolina, if you want to fire a few missiles, it’s totally legal – you just have to get permission from the department of Commerce before you do so. Similarly, if that’s a bit of a ballache for you to get to, you could also buy and use your own personal flamethrower anywhere in the country. Who even needs a toilet when you can have fun like this, right?
