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Every Girl Needs A Gay
Every Girl Needs A Gay promises to pair lowest common denominator women with equally vanilla gay

This ‘Every Girl Needs A Gay’ site needs to die

Matching clueless women to their Gay Best Friend, this internet black hole can GTFO

Just in time for the holiday season, I came across an actual tongue-not-in-cheek website called Every Girl Needs A Gay. It claims to match basic straight girls with a Gay Best Friend. Taking the guesswork out of finding a GBF, users can fill in information about themselves – like whether they’re a Carrie or a Samantha, top or sloppy bottom – and be paired via an arbitrary algorithm to the gay man of their dreams!

While it doesn’t necessarily stipulate whether it’s exclusive to male homosexuals, all of the laughable stock photos of the poor, poor models who have been unfortunately bootlegged as the faces of this budget service are always one guy and one girl. Lesbians need not apply, apparently.

The site doesn’t officially open until January of next year. But all of the thirsty women with broken gaydars can stay up to date with… CHER. “We’re calling our eNewsletter ‘CHER!’” the webite shrieks. “Timeless, original, and FABULOUS. Her essence is an adjective that says it ALL!”

Every Girl Needs A Gay is the forlorn brain fart of Boston-based web designer Gini Garbick, whose entire gay friend circle is surely just holograms of stereotyped gays from early 2000s sitcoms like Will & Grace.

If by this point you’re wondering why anyone in their right mind would ever sign up to a service that tokenizes the idea of sexual orientation like this, you’re not alone. Believe it or not, my gay friends, there is a section of the site called “Reasons to Join”. Not convinced by the corny photos of besties documenting their four-minute friendship with a selfie stick, I clicked on it hoping whoever was paid to write this BS would at least attempt to justify this hellish notion of gay-matching. Unfortunately, I was blind-sided with infomercial jargon along the likes of “0 per cent pressure, 100 per cent fun!”

Then I scrolled down and found some priceless quotes that are fobbed off as user testimonies:

“My gay husband is impeccably dressed. I can’t even deal with all of these straight men in their high-tops and jerseys. Give me J. Crew, tailored jeans and V-neck sweater kind of guy any day.”

Sabina Montoya - Digital Marketing Specialist, SPRI

“I love this about my gay husband. If I do something to set him off, he tells me how it is. He’s not into sitting around, being passive aggressive and talking behind my back. He just tells me what’s going on and how he’s feeling, and we mutually find a way to remedy the situation so we can get on with our day.”

Marci Welsch - Attorney, Swenson & Associates PC

“Gay men aren’t afraid to show their emotions; that’s what makes them a lot like girlfriends. There’s no hard exterior or ‘Mr. Cool Guy’ act going on; they just generally want to be there to support you unconditionally.”

Brittani Bouchard - Associate Buyer, Tory Burch

Holy actual fuck. What ever possessed Marci, Brittani and Sabina to lend their sordid opinions to help advertise this internet black hole? Sabina should probably just stop dressing in the dark. Marci should probably take the shackles off her gay husband, and Brittani should join a group, like ISIS. I’m sincerely hoping these comments were stolen, as that would be the lesser of two evils. Regardless, this website has power-bottomed past being offensive to just bleakly hilarious. I’m not sure what Gabrick was thinking, commodifying the entire LGBT community (but mostly G, as I pointed out) for her twisted online marketeering.

Don’t buy your way to a gay friend. And don’t sign up to CHER, just follow her on Twitter.