David Cameron accused of putting his dick in pig’s mouth

The UK Prime Minister David Cameron has been accused of being many things during his tenure as leader of the country – but "pigfucker" is the latest allegation to be thrown his way. Former Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party (and mortal enemy of Cameron’s) Lord Ashcroft has written a biography titled Call Me Dave, a book that reportedly sheds light on the PM’s less-than-impressive behaviour at university, with allegations of drug use, trashing restaurants and now, inserting genitalia into a pig’s mouth as part of an initiation process. The Daily Mail, that morally dubious bastion of (not even half) truths ran an extract from Ashcroft’s book, which it describes as sure to "make political waves".

SHOULD WE CARE? IS IT SUCH A PIG ISSUE?

He probably isn’t going to do it again, right? I’m loathe to defend David Cameron for anything, but while the allegation is unsettling and gross, no-one’s accusing him of having a particular penchant for sexual encounters with dead animals. As far as I can tell, this is being reported as having been a one off rather than a series of pig assaults. It’s an unpleasant and disturbing image and an unpleasant and disturbing thing to do, but in my opinion not as gross as him and his upper class mates from the Bullingdon Club trashing restaurants, shouting about "fucking plebs" and the ethos of the group being simply to despise the poor, as he has been accused of in the past. It’s these allegations that sit most uncomfortably with me – given the glaring social inequalities that continue to besmirch our country under Tory rule – rather than bizarre, depraved rituals involving dead animals, or rumoured drug use years ago.

ARE WE ENJOYING IT?

This is what it’s really about, isn’t it? While some of us may act shocked and appalled (and actually, quite a lot of us might be), in reality it’s a good opportunity for you to think of some pig puns, scoop up some RTs and hopefully find your work embedded in a Buzzfeed article. @CameronPig is already a Twitter account, #Hameron is trending and a million jokes referencing Babe, Peppa Pig and Miss Piggy are being told and stolen.

There are also valuable social benefits to the news. It’s Monday morning and it’s been revealed – David Cameron might have put his dick in a dead pig’s mouth, meaning that there’s way more to talk about at the water cooler than usual. Do say: "Whoa, have you heard that the Prime Minister has been accused of sticking his dick in a dead pig’s mouth? Weird, right?" Don’t say: "Have you ever fucked a dead pig?"

SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

It’s hard to say, given that we don’t have a point of reference. As far as I’m aware, David Cameron is the nation’s first leader to be accused of putting his dick in a dead pig’s mouth. But probably, not a lot. Twitter will run with #PigGate for a while and .@ the Prime Minster some joke questions about sex with pigs that he won’t respond to. However, the authors of the book claim to have photographic evidence of the pig necrophilia. If that’s true, then it will be infinitely harder to deal with. Currently, everyone is imagining this depraved scene and it’s unproven. A photograph allowing everyone the shared experience of knowing exactly what David Cameron looks like with his dick in a pig’s mouth will be an explosive image to have attached to your leadership. Ed Miliband’s political career struggled to recover from a photo of him putting a dead pig in his mouth badly – Cameron’s may falter if a photo emerges of him putting himself inside a dead pig correctly.

WHAT SHOULD THE PUNISHMENT BE IF IT’S TRUE?

A jail sentence? Compensation to the pig’s family? Should Cameron have to put a pig’s dick in his mouth? A lump sum donation to farm animal charities? Castration? Elect a pig as an MP? Who knows what the consequences will be. If a photo emerges, there will obviously be clamour for him to resign. Sex with live animals is illegal, but if they‘re dead then the law becomes a little more opaque. Not good (obviously), but illegal?

Cameron recently made a number of various sexual positions and techniques illegal when depicted in pornography, so if this allegation is true it opens him up to accusations of hypocrisy. Calling it right here: inserting your genitals into a dead pig is way worse than watching facesitting.

‘Ed Miliband’s political career struggled to recover from a photo of him putting a dead pig in his mouth badly – Cameron’s may falter if a photo emerges of him putting himself inside a dead pig correctly’

LIFE UNWITTINGLY IMITATES ART

Back in 2011, Charlie Brooker debuted his dark, satirical TV show Black Mirror. The first episode involved Britain’s Prime Minister being coerced into having sex with a pig on live television in order to guarantee the safe return of a kidnapped monarch. He agrees to go through with it, as "he’ll do anything for his country". Cameron however, is accused of having gone through with it willingly, or least as part of a strange initiation process. We know Brooker’s work is current, but prophetic? The writer denies having had any inside knowledge of the pig rumours prior to penning the script.

WHAT ARE THE OTHER ALLEGATIONS?

Aside from #piggate, Ashcroft’s book accuses Cameron of smoking weed and allowing cocaine to be taken freely at his house, although he is not implicated in taking it. The book also reveals that during the alleged "dope smoking" years, Cameron and his cronies were big fans of Supertramp, the 70s British rock band. The opening verse to "The Logical Song", Supertramp’s biggest hit, feels particularly relevant to Cameron’s current predicament and position – a description of a close bond with animals, carefree early years, then being swallowed up by a machine-like world:

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
Joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
Logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
Clinical, intellectual, cynical.