We look at how you'll inevitably end up using the Unicode Consortium's latest additions, including the ‘Mother Christmas’ symbol
The human race can't stop using emojis or talking about them – whether it's campaigning for more racially diverse symbols, working out what emoji usage says about different countries' cultural habits or delving into what the smiling poop emoji actually means. And come next year, there'll be 38 brand new ones to obsess over.
According to an announcement from the Unicode Consortium, our emoji overlords, next year's list will include bacon, avocado, a shrugging emoji and an eagle. But out of the 38, which ones are we actually going to need next year?
WILTING FLOWER EMOJI
Your relationship is going nowhere. There was definitely something there at first, in that beautiful nascent period when you both got butterflies before you met up, ate out in restaurants neither of you could afford and pretended to be heavily into each other's music. But that was six months ago. Now it's past its sell by date, a slow-moving tram bumbling into a singularly dull future. One of you must act – and it's going to be you.
Let's imagine you're a modern, contemporary person. What's the point of meeting up in person at Caffe Nero to say "I hate you now"? Just text your soon-to-be ex with the message "It's over" along with the wilting flower emoji. It isn't entirely negative: somewhere in that short text is the acknowledgement that at one point your relationship was once in bloom.
There isn't a "vomit emoji" so this will have to do. You're out in a club and your propensity for 90s nostalgia means you've ordered two bottles of Hooch every time you go to the bar. It's not settling in your stomach right and you're out with friends of friends you've just met. They don't need to see you keeled over like a 15-year old who's stolen booze from their parents. But neither do you want your actual mates to think you've run away or fallen in a lake. Just send the nauseated emoji and stumble off into the night to vomit into the nearest wheely bin. They'll know what happened.
It's a hard conversation to have with someone you've only slept with twice. Why not make the pregnancy chat a little lighter? "I've got some news," you say, and then bang, you drop it: a nice heavily pregnant emoji. Caught off guard by such a bold approach to big news, the recipient will think that having a child with someone you don't really know might actually be quite funny and the three of you will live happily ever after.
You're gonna need to use this emoji to text your mates and say "who the hell is this? I've literally never heard of Mother Christmas". There's someone in your friendship group who claims that they know as fact that Santa Claus was always meant to be a woman and it's only the patriarchy that's allowed that motherfucker such a privileged place in history. Given that once a year Father Christmas slides down chimneys at night to try it on with your mum, Mother Christmas probably deserves to take over anyway.
My personal favourite. This is when you know your soul has finally slipped away. The past twelve months is a timeline of utter depravity and bad choices. You've kicked a fox, you've started muttering on the tube and you hate your friends because you think they hate you. Things have got so bad that you can't even write a note explaining all of this – it'd take another year. But you do know that you need to get out of the city without organising a terrifying leaving to explain why you're moving. Use the black heart emoji to text a few people who have likely already noticed that your heart had blackened forever.