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WHO IS MAKING THEM STAND LIKE THIS?

The Tories had to be taught how to use Instagram and it’s tragic

The Conservatives were given much-needed advice on how to seem like ‘real people’

One thing that’s always struck me about the Tory party, and the vast majority of its supporters, is that none of them are funny. Literally none. It’s weird. As is well documented, every public interaction of Theresa May’s comes packaged with a ghastly robotic sheen that makes anyone watching her question whether they’ve actually ever seen anyone behave like that. Something is just....off. There’s been nonsense about naughtiness in fields of wheat, her inexplicably wearing Frida Kahlo bracelets, and holding hands with Donald Trump, both world leaders looking like awkward Blind Date finalists.

recently unearthed recording of Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg holding court aged 12 is a terrifying glimpse into his banal mania, with him talking lucidly about stocks and shares and owning his own business, having just entered secondary school. It's all very Village Of The Damned if it was financially focussed; all very wedded to an idea of Britishness that could be described as fantasy, although fantasy is usually fun.

This rampant lack of humanity in a social media age – coupled with Labour’s ability to know how to tweet and stuff – has compelled the Tories to act. They know that they have a problem, that problem being that young people fucking hate them. So, where do young people hang out? Instagram. In a training session for MPs organised by the party chairman, the details of which were leaked to the BBC, it was revealed that the aim of getting Insta-smart was “a chance to show you are a real person who people can relate to or be inspired by – the goal is to do both.” Reader, neither goal has been achieved. Other bits of advice include taking pictures of objects in order to offer a viewer “a behind the scenes” look at their lives, marking historical moments with posts celebrating someone like Churchill, or posting Boomerangs. At the time of writing, it’s unclear if a Boomerang has been posted from a Conservative account.

The plan to get good at Instagram has likely been spurred on by a series of morbid posts from last year’s Conservative conference. Here is newly resigned ex-Home Secretary Amber Rudd holding a glass of water and trying to look happy, but ending up looking like she’s trying to signal with her eyes that she’s being held hostage and someone is about to kill her.

It’s almost impossible to know what to say about this image below, but if there is one image that is capable of turning anybody who looks at it to stone – a kind of modern-day Medusa – it’s this one, of also (fairly recently) resigned Defence Secretary Michael Fallon.

In 2018, things don’t appear to have gotten much better. In the Instagram guide, Defence Secretary of State Gavin Williamson is lauded as a shining example of how to do it right, with his efforts turning up twice in the strategy. Here’s Williamson gushing over his old Land Rover on account of the fact that it epitomises the never-say-die attitude of Britain, irrespective of the fact that it feels – politically at least – like this country is in a hospice, the pillow being pushed down slowly over its face by Williamson’s own party.

And this is his last post. Wallpaper stripping.