What Nicki Minaj and Ariana Grande were (probably) discussing at the VMAs

Jessie J? 6ix9ine? The very real possibility of no Brexit deal?

Footage of Nicki Minaj and Ariana Grande talking to each other at last night’s MTV VMAs has set the TL alight, and everyone is trying to guess what they might possibly have been saying.

Since the internet loves rumours, possible theories mostly hinged on the pair talking about Travi$ Scott and Kylie Jenner, who were seated nearby, given Nicki had recently sounded off about the couple and their newborn daughter for taking away her birthright of getting her new album Queen to number one. In an age where facts are crucially underreported, conjecture is what is cool, so we don’t actually need to know what they said – we just need to decide what we all wish they were talking about instead.

ARIANA IS TRYING TO TELL NICKI TO STOP TALKING ABOUT NUMBER ONES

Hopefully this chat is mostly Ariana reciting the lyrics to “Successful” to Nicki Minaj, to reassure her that her career is fine (despite the fact she’s not happy with the results of her number crunching): “girl, you too, you are so young and beautiful and so successful”. So stop complaining on Twitter, because it’s getting a bit obsessive.

NICKI IS TELLING ARIANA TO ENUNCIATE MORE ON HER TRACKS

It got better on her most recent album Sweetener, but there are still some words you just absolutely cannot hear. For example, at the beginning of “Better Off”, I thought it was rather strange that she was singing blissfully about being kept in an “armpit”, only to find it was an “orbit”. For those who think you understand Ariana, here’s a quiz that will prove you don’t.

WHY NICKI FELT IT WAS APPROPRIATE TO WORK WITH 6IX9INE

6ix9ine is currently facing three years in prison, after appearing in a video showing the rapper spanking a 13-year-old on camera, plus additional assault charges. Even after he infamously pleaded guilty to “use of a child in a sexual performance”, Nicki collaborated with him on a track and invited him on tour. Perhaps Ariana is really just trying to get to the bottom of why she’s doing this?

WHY JESSIE J IS THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN’T GOT ANOTHER COLLAB CALL SINCE ‘BANG BANG’

Did you guys lose her phone number?

HOW PHARRELL ACTUALLY DID USE BOP IT AS INSPO FOR HIS PRODUCTION ON SWEETENER

There are so many whacky samples and sound effects on Sweetener that there is no other explanation other than a child’s toy being used as inspiration for Pharrell's production style. So maybe they were talking about this.

WHY THIS CNN CLIP GOT SAMPLED ON THEIR JOINT TRACK

Which leads us to our next guess about the voices on “The Light is Coming”. What do they add? I wish we knew. I think they wish they knew too.

WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF A NO DEAL BREXIT

It’s the subject on everyone’s lips. There’s a chance that this time next year, we’ll have food shortages in the UK, and we’ll be left without any trade deals. Do we stockpile food? Is there a point in saving? When hyperinflation hits, will it be cheaper to wipe your arse with a ten pound note than to actually buy Andrex? Nicki and Ari want answers.

HOW TO ADDRESS THOSE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ACCUSATIONS

So Nicki’s ex, Safaree, made a pretty explosive claim last week that he was a victim of the rapper’s violence amid a very public feud where she accused him of using her for money. Afterwards, Minaj took aim at Safaree’s hairline, but not that very big elephant in the room.

BITCHING ABOUT EVERYONE FOR IGNORING THAT THE EARTH IS DYING

Perhaps the two of them are talking about how we’ve crossed a vital point where the earth’s temperature is rising to such a degree that it’s undoubtedly going to lead to disaster. As The New Yorker reported, we need to prepare for more heat-related deaths if temperatures continue to climb. “People should be talking about it more,” they may have said.

LITERALLY ANYTHING

Look, there’s no way of knowing. Nicki might have had indigestion, and Ariana could have been giving her tips. We can never know.

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