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Tips on finding love from an astrologer

Emily Heather, aka The Voluptuous Witch, on how comparing birth charts could help you meet your soulmate (even if you’re a sceptic)

Pair-bonding is having a bit of an identity crisis. Conventional cishetero partnering, traditional marriage, and the “you complete me” model of existence are being dismantled and questioned. This makes matchmaking – and especially astrological matchmaking – tricky. But we still all want to get laid, have crushes, and be in love, so for Valentine’s Day this year, I played a matchmaking game with Dazed’s willing Instagram followers. Hundreds of people responded with their full astro profiles, and the task of juggling so many variables was huge. Below, I give a breakdown of some of the logic I use to bring people together, and why I believe your birth chart could tell you something about what you want out of your relationships even if you’re not into that kind of thing.

FIND THE COMMON GROUND

When matchmaking, I always think, “how similar do these two people really want the person or people they partner with to be to them?” In astrology, we think of the signs in terms of the planet that rules them primarily, as well as their element (Air, Water, Fire, or Earth), and modality (Cardinal, Fixed, or Mutable). The modalities play a huge role in desire. Fixed signs may prefer settling into something stable and loyal, while cardinal signs could be too addicted to the chase to enjoy that dynamic, even in a long-term connection. The blend of energies will always be what matters most, because all lovers and partners need common ground.

GET THE TIMING RIGHT

You don’t need to know anything about astrology to grasp the most important aspect of astro-matchmaking: that timing is everything, and only two people who deeply want to be in relationship with one another can endure one. I say this because no matter how aligned two charts may be, the core competencies of relationship success remain the same: possessing mutual desires, fighting well (yes, this is a thing), and nurturing the connection in such a way that positive experiences together outnumber and outweigh challenging ones.

LOOK FOR FIRE-AND-WATER CHEMISTRY

One couple I matched on the Dazed Instagram were two lesbian women. I paired them with a fireworks-style mentality. These two had a fire-and-water-makes-steam dynamic, which tends to create instant chemistry. Lauren has Venus in Aries and Mars in Scorpio; I paired her with Onyi, a Venus in Scorpio/Mars in Leo. We have the most foolproof chemistry marker here: one person’s Venus in the same sign (Scorpio, in this case) as the other’s Mars. Old school astrology will tell you that Mars represents “the man” and the Venus “the woman”, but we know these can pair up in any way between any variety of genders – it really depends on the personal dynamic of the couple.

Will these two also probably argue like crazy? It’s likely – passion is passion, and it doesn’t just get contained to one setting. But I also noticed that both of these women were connected to sex work in some way, had strong aesthetics, and might vibe overall – all of which is important, and boosts the connection. They have since messaged a bit, followed each other on social media, and are flirting (semi-nude selfies have been exchanged!). 

BUT ALSO LOOK FOR COMFORTING MOON SIGNS

I tend to match people based on a mix of comfort and chemistry. I do this mainly because that’s my recipe for good sex! You should be safe enough to feel understood and relaxed, as well as feeling intrigued and turned on. Having the same moon sign helps people to understand each other and feel safe in similar settings, at similar times. This is very helpful! A lot of the time when you just “get” someone and vibe in a low-stress way, it’s because your moon signs are the same or compatible. Having the same Venus can be similar, in that your love languages may be very alike.

“The real thing astrology can help with is getting honest about what you actually want, need, and can’t change about yourself”

FOCUS ON THE INDIVIDUAL

As trustworthy as I believe our personal astrology to be, fate and free will are pretty big wild cards. When I’m matchmaking, I focus on the individual, using astrology to help them understand what they might really want and need. Then I trust that the right match for them will find them, whether the astro itself is a textbook match or not.

While astrology gives us the blueprint that shows our communication style, love languages, even sexual preferences, some of the biggest advantages in dating have nothing to do with astrology or even our actual distinct personalities. Factors like being obsessed with same band or Real Housewives season, having compatible friendship groups or jobs, and a shared contextual language are what really make chemistry soar. Two charts could be perfectly matched, but if the politics, life experience, or personal preferences are very off, it’s unlikely you’ll ever get too far with the other person.

TREAT IT AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF

The best advice I can give based on my experience is that knowing yourself really well is the most important factor in having amazing sex, lasting love, and good dates. While astro-matchmaking can be really useful, and couples readings tend to be really positive experiences, the real thing astrology can help with is getting honest about what you actually want, need, and can’t change about yourself. Even though you’ll likely be entertaining fewer prospects, knowing what you actually want in (and can offer to) a partner, makes legitimate connections come way more easily and abundantly.

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