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How to know if you’re stuck in a Michael Haneke film

You like suddenly like dogging and urinating simultaneously, your jealousy is going through the roof and birds keep being killed

December sees the release of Happy End, the latest offering from Austrian auteur Michael Haneke, a director for whom collecting the Palme d’Or has become something of a habit. In typically ‘Hanekian’ fashion, Happy End is not all that happy and sees the filmmaker on fine form, dissecting human nature, class and racial tension in his typically provocative style. In celebration of the film’s impending release, here’s a handy guide on if things start getting weird and you think you might be stuck in one of his dysfunctional dramas.

You have a fetish for self-performing genital mutilation.

Your other fetishes include sniffing discarded tissues at vacated porno booths.

Your idea of a romantic first date is to show a girl footage of a pig being slaughtered.

You’re into dogging and urinating at the same time.

You feel unnerved when weird video tapes showing your house keep appearing on the doorstep.

You notice some German children dressed in early 20th Century clothing are causing a spike in accidents and deaths in your hometown.

Everything is normal on your family holiday until a pair of creepy young men wearing tennis gear arrive at your house asking for eggs that they constantly break.

Work is boring and life is boring so you systematically set about destroying every possession in your house. Then flush all your money down the toilet. Then commit suicide. Because why not?

Why are you having a recurring dream involving an Algerian boy murdering a chicken?

People you’ve met keep stabbing or slashing themselves.

Jealousy is becoming an issue. If anyone talks to your man, you put broken glass in their jacket pocket.

Why are you having a recurring dream involving an Algerian boy murdering a chicken?

Come to think of it, birds keep being killed. What’s that impaled parakeet about?

Being part of a bourgeoisie, middle-class family really isn’t working out all that well. At all.

Everywhere you go you witness excruciating racial tension.

You love your wife completely, becoming her carer and carrying out her wishes to the very end.