How to totally own being single at Christmas

It’s fine to ice skate alone, it’s OK to be on your worst behaviour and importantly, enjoy your freedom

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Being single at Christmas might seem depressing. And that’s because it bloody well is. Everywhere you go there are couples doing romance on each other. Holding hands, throwing snowballs, drinking hot cocoa together, dry humping against a huge plastic snowman. You can’t even gaze at a lovely Christmas tree without seeing your own face reflected back at you, magnified and distorted and discoloured and desperately alone.

All the big numbers. You turn on the radio and it’s Mariah Carey singing about how all she wants is you. But she doesn’t even mean you, because you’re not her type and that song came out in 1994. The TV isn’t safe either. It’s all movies about rich white people falling in love and frolicking out in the snow. Even the Grinch gets more action than you and he doesn’t wear trousers. It’s MISERABLE AS HELL. But it doesn’t have to be that bad. Here’s what to do when you’re single at Christmas.

YOU’RE ALLOWED TO ICE SKATE ALONE

It’s true. It is. I’ve talked to SEVERAL lawyers who’ve assured me I HAVE to stop calling with dumb questions. Same goes for all the other shit that you’ve seen couples do together. Shopping. Going to the movies. Going to the theatre. You can do all of that on your own. Or with your grandma if she’s also a single gal living her best life. But point is this world doesn’t have to be built for two. Be brave. Exist singularly. Exist singularly at the ice rink. Get a hotdog after. Drink the terrifying festive egg drink. It’s going to be okay. It already is.

BE ON YOUR WORST BEHAVIOUR

Get drunk and get felt up by an elf at your office Christmas do. Say yes to three parties in one night. Flirt with anyone you want. Kiss under the mistletoe. Spend too much money on presents for your grandma. Go on as many dates as you can to end this hellish vampire of a year. Launder some money!! Buy an illegal snow leopard and dress him in a Christmas bonnet! Mistakes don’t count when it’s Christmas, so go wild. Enjoy your freedom. Burn 2016 down by doing whatever you want.

 

DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME WITH EMOTIONAL WASTERS

Life’s short, and not all the people in yours deserve their place there. So this festive period please remember that being related to someone or having known them a long time does NOT entitle them to your delicious time. If they drain you then stay away from them over Christmas. Instead: treat yourself!! Make cookies. Go dancing. Drink the terrifying festive egg drink. Put on a hilarious jumper and go to a party. Be silly. Do whatever you want, but do it with people who make you feel good. Don’t do it with people who communicate in unintelligible shrieks and can’t leave the water. Those people are dolphins and THEY’RE A BAD INFLUENCE ON YOU, CATHERINE.

“Don’t drink fourteen hot spicy wines and tell your boring, horrible, thinks-oral-sex-isn’t-important-ass ex you want to give things another go. Because you don’t”

MAKE A PLAN FOR ALL THE AMAZING STUFF YOU CAN DO ALONE

Think about what you want to achieve in 2017 besides finding love. Put that to one side, trust it to come to you, and dig deeper into your hopes and ambitions for yourself. Plan a trip. Buy some roller skates. Get excited to become more yourself than you’ve ever been before. The romance thing is great and I won’t even pretend that it’s not. It’s amazing to be in love with someone good who loves you back. But that’s not something you can just HAVE. It’s not a Kit Kat. You can’t just walk in a Tesco Express and HAVE it. So take a break from feeling incredibly unlucky and lonely for not having it when most of the world doesn’t probably have it. You’re doing fine. Go and get a delicious chocolate finger and make plans to do really cool shit in the next 12 months. Okay pals?

BE WARY OF RASH ‘LOVE’ DECISIONS

I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. I watched a very spooky cartoon and now I can’t sleep. But being scared is normal this time of year. Just don’t let that fear trick you into thinking you’d be better off with someone you don’t even like than single. Because you won’t be. Don’t drink fourteen hot spicy wines and tell your boring, horrible, thinks-oral-sex-isn’t-important-ass ex you want to give things another go. Because you don’t. And you’re making Santa cry.

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