Pin It
12

A girl’s guide to why you aren’t getting any on Tinder

It’s been around long enough to assume you have it figured out, but you don’t – here’s a girl’s guide to everything guys do that’s creepy/weird/wrong

New York is, although incredibly densely populated, on occasion a very lonely city. Anxious to meet new people, yet more so out of curiosity, I finally gave in and went on Tinder. After hours of confusion – yawning at the endless identical and equally mundane, I found myself simply trusting my intuition. I had little previous experience of the app, so there was research to be done. This is why you're here today – to take your profile to the next level, connect to strangers and learn the basic dos and don’ts of the app. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to teach you how to Tinder. To do this, I first have to mention my own experiences and how I got to where I'm at.

I quickly realised that nine out of ten users don’t even try. The dead “hey what's up”s and “how are you today”s started to roll in and I was just about to delete the app when something caught my attention. A guy said “ask me anything and I promise I’ll be 100 per cent honest”. He wasn’t hilarious, cute or even clever, but he was trying which means he must care about something. He must carry some sort of passion or curiosity, which most other messages seemed to lack. One thing led to another and a couple exchanges later I learned he was an artist, primarily a sculptor, and he wanted to use my body to make a mold for some sort of Jesus statue. Realising that I do not know this dude at all and might’ve said yes a little too quickly, I met him for a drink to check his psycho level.

“The next thing I know I’m naked and tied up to a cross in his Brooklyn studio”

The next thing I know I’m naked and tied up to a cross in his Brooklyn studio. I remember walking to Bushwick thinking, ‘God it would really suck if I died by going on the wrong Tinder date’. But, the guy was a gentleman; when I undressed he undressed, and made sure I was “as comfortable as I could get” at all times. But the huge full moon and the fact that he repeatedly said "there’s literally no one here", didn’t help. So basically I got strapped up on a wooden cross, covered in Vaseline, blue silicone, and plaster at my every inch from thigh to neck, and didn’t move for around two hours.

As scared as I was, I didn’t die and I wasn’t raped. I left with an identical plaster replica of my pussy, with such great detail I haven’t even shown some of my closest friends, afraid that they won't be able to look into my eyes. He walked me home in the moonlight while holding my hand and chatting about art, life and dating. Then kissed me goodbye. I took a shower and went to bed reflecting upon the most erotic, intense and possibly dangerous date I've ever been on.

I realise that this isn’t your typical Tinder date, and I’m still uncertain how I succeed in attracting these types of characters. However, you gotta be prepared for whatever your Tinder future might hold. After my immersive research and basically putting my life on the line I feel well qualified to teach you the tricks, trades, and secrets of Tinder. Let’s start with the basics – picture and description.

PICTURE

Call me shallow, but a good photo is crucial – Tinder is, essentially, a game judging people by their looks. First of all, don't be blurry – blurriness is an indicator that you’re hiding something. Secondly, don’t get a professional photo taken, it’s a dating app, not LinkedIn. Keep a variety of pictures representing your personality and looks. I’d say at least one accurate close up of your pretty face, another one in profile and a third in full body. Remember to showcase photos with different angles. And lastly, don’t wear the same clothes in all your pictures.

DESCRIPTION

I’m not sure that the trend of girls using Tinder guys to send them free pizza is over, but I do know that if a pizza appears on a profile, it’s secret Tinder code for “I want sex, no strings ”. Either way, if you’re looking for "pizza" or not, I have two guidelines for ya'll.

Keep it simple, don't tell your life story. You want fellow Tinder-ers to have something to ask about. Be honest. Whether it be one night stands, a serious relationship or simply finding a new friend in a new city – let people know what you're looking for. Honesty shows confidence, and confidence is key.

Now that we’ve covered your profile, let’s explore the species of the Tinder wildlife. Some are cute and innocent, others dangerously sneaky and deceiving. Like at any safari, it’s good to read up on the animals you’ll see on beforehand – below are a few Tinder stereotypes you should be aware of:

“If you for whatever reason need to have a fucking baby in your photos can you please specify if it’s yours or not”

PEOPLE WITH KIDS

If you for whatever reason need to have a fucking baby in your photos can you please specify if it’s yours or not. I’ve never hooked up with a dad but I know some are into it. Please provide the appropriate explanation.

THE HALF NAKED MIRROR SELFIE     

Classic bro. Look at me, I work out. He doesn’t strive to be original. But he might be a good lay. Who's ever said no to a ripped teenage pool boy and sex on steroids?

DUDES WITH CATS

I’m still trying to figure out if this is secret Tinder code for something. Sensitive? Can hold his cum? Either way, he’s a softy but you will NEVER take the place of his cat. 

DUDES WITH WILDCATS

I truly hope this trend is coming to an end. We’ve all encountered them, Tinder tigers are lurking and luring all over the dating desert. The young males posing next to dangerous and wild animals want to prove their masculinity through being ridiculously stupid and adventurous. Anyways, this is so 2015 and I’m over it.

THE MOUNTAINTOP MAN

One of my favs. If you can climb a mountain I can only imagine what other things you’re capable of. However, don’t feature any photos of you wearing those toe shoes looking like reptile feet. They’re a turn off to most human beings.

THE BUSINESS DUDE

He wears a suit and instantly brings up the topic of where you want to be in ten years. This is a great networking opportunity and there’s a good chance he might be loaded. I’d say pretend you have a start up and fake it till you make it. That’s how most entrepreneurs do it these days anyways. And who knows, if you don't get laid you might end up with a business. Cha-ching!

THE “I WOKE UP LIKE THIS”

First of all, I just want to make it clear that he did not, in fact, wake up like this. The messy bed hair and squinting eyes is supposedly a cry for a little closeness and some Adderall. But he’s most likely a harmless young man with a ton of hair products.

THE GROUP PICTURE

I hate saying this, but if there’s only group pictures, there's a good chance he's not showing you their true colours, or, to get real creepy, they might not even exist. There’s a snake in the house and I wouldn’t trust it.

OK, OK. WE AREN’T ALL PERFECT EITHER... THE COMPLICATED ART GIRL

Most of her pictures are black and white with her looking deep and difficult. She’s hard to deal with and you better watch your mouth not to say anything slightly offensive to this touchy Tinderella. On the other hand, if she can afford to live in NYC, doing art, she might come from money, which is nice. 💰💰💰

THE TINDER TALK

You only got one shot, one opportunity, don’t fucking let it slip! I used to know this girl who could call me up out of nowhere and be like “hi” and then go silent. I constantly had to lead the conversation and she would never tell me or ask me anything. I don’t know her anymore. What I’m trying to say is, if you’re going to do something, do it well. Don't waste your or anyone else’s time. Just because this is an online dating app doesn’t mean you can be lazy. You don’t just walk up to someone and say “hey” and expect them to fall on their knees for you (unless you’re ridiculously good looking). Although you are on your phone, this is much different from texting with friends, in a message saying “hey” there simply is nothing to be answered. Lead with an open question, no easy yes or nos. Ask yourself, why would s/he answer me? What do you have to offer them? Can you make them smile? Or think? Or turned on?

Follow Miri’s writing here