We thought that there was barely anywhere left in the world that even a person could disappear to, let alone a 242 foot-long commercial aircraft – but Flight 370 has been missing for over a month, and nobody is any wiser. Hope was temporarily ignited when rescuers detected the ping of the Boeing 777's black box, but it's been dead silence since 8 April and some believe that the batteries have probably now run out. As of today, the Boeing 777 aircraft that carried 227 passengers has been missing for 38 days. No-one knows where it is, why they can't find it, or what happened.
But rejoice! Thanks to the internet, now any amateur Sherlock Holmes (or Courtney Love) can weigh in with "careful research" and "proof" that Flight 370 isn't at the bottom of the Indian Ocean like the rest of us squares seem to think. A devoted subculture of online conspiracy buffs and YouTube theorists have sprouted around the disappearance of the plane, dedicated to uncovering the truth – whether that involves aliens, the US government or Shakira.
A GIANT UFO ABDUCTED THE FLIGHT
Conspiracy buffs and people who watched too much Roswell when they were growing up believe that Flight 370 was ripe for alien abduction. One theorist claims that the region in which Flight 370 vanished is a hotspot for UFOs, in particular those of the extreme size and the ability to take control of a Boeing 777. The video below cites a 1995 incident in Kuala Lumpur when numerous people spotted a UFO as big as a football field, with Forbidden Knowledge TV commentator Alexandra Bruce arguing that a video of an unusually quick craft tailing Flight 370 is evidence of UFO interference. Other conspiracy nuts have linked the disappearance to John Callahan's 1986 meeting with a giant UFO while he was flying a Japan Airlines aircraft over Alaska.
SHAKIRA AND PITBULL PREDICTED THIS ALL ALONG
Could this be something to do with the Colombian pop star? Two years ago she released the middlingly successful collaboration "Let's Get Started" with Pitbull, the Cuban slash Floridian rapper. One verse of lyrics have particularly piqued the interest of conspiracy theorists.
Well, a few things are for certain. The song references big news, Malaysia and "two passports" – which Illuminati conspiracy theorists say is linked to the two Iranian men, Pouria Nour Mohammad and Seyed Mohammed Rezar, who were travelling on the plane with forged documents. The cunning sleuths in the above screenshot also bother to circle the word "worldwide". Vague at best.
Do the Malaysian authorities need to haul Shakira in for questioning? Check out "Let's Get It Started" below:
FLIGHT 370 IS HIDING IN A US MILITARY BASE
Diego Garcia is a tropical British-owned island in the central Indian Ocean. Sold by the Mauritius to the UK in 1965, the Brits (in classic throwback Empire style) then kicked out all the native Chagossians so that the US could establish a military base on Diego Garcia.
YouTube user Montograph believes that Flight 370 is not in the ocean at all, but safely landed on Diego Garcia. He says that his opinion is "based on facts, not conjecture" (just in case you didn't know). Montograph claims that the only place where the plane could successfully hide at is a top secret, heavily armed, military base. Just like Diego Garcia!
The theory temporarily gained further credence when a photo purportedly taken at Diego Garcia by a captive passenger surfaced on 4Chan, but it's since been debunked. The pitch black photo was accompanied by a message and uploaded onto 4Chan under the title "help".
"I have been held hostage by unknown military personal after my flight was hijacked (blindfolded)," the post reads. "I work for IBM and I have managed to hide my cellphone in my ass during the hijack. I have been separated from the rest of the passengers and I am in a cell. My name is Philip Wood. I think I have been drugged as well and cannot think clearly."
If you were an IBM employee secretly abducted by the US military, would your first thought be to smuggle your iPhone in your ass and then post a cry for help on 4Chan? Why not, right?
SUCKED INTO A VOID OF NOTHINGNESS BY A BLACK HOLE
Don Lemon is no physics graduate; that much was clear when the CNN anchor suggested that the plane might have been sucked in a black hole to a panel of bemused interviewees. Mary Schiavo, a former Inspector General for the US Department of Transportation, poured freezing cold water all over the theory by replying, "A small black hole would suck in our entire universe, so we know it’s not that." Lemon also begins to talk aimlessly about Lost and the Twilight Zone and generally serves as a terrible representative for every conspiracy theorist worldwide.
Follow Thomas Gorton on Twitter here @angstromhoot