Santo throws down
Before Friday, the closest I'd ever got to a Lucha Libre fight was when
I stayed opposite a luchador's gym in Tijuana. However, the only thing
I ended up wrestling was a dodgy burrito that made me sick for three
days. And that was after sitting on a bus for 24 hours next to a fat
old Mexican who spent the duration of the journey yelping in his sleep.
Luckily my journey to the Roundhouse to watch the first ever British Lucha Libre fight was less disturbing.
As
I walked into the venue, dozens of fans wearing the masks of their
favourite wrestlers milled around the bar swigging back margaritas,
beers and tequila shots. Already more surreal than a typical Friday
night, it got even weirder when I saw Tim Burton standing in the middle
of the throng with his pal Deep Roy, the miniscule actor who played the
Oompa Loompa in his 2005 remake of Charlie & the Chocolate Factory.
To the casual passerby, it must have seemed like Burton had hired a
team of drunken superheroes, glamorous gimps, and Mexican wrestlers to
be his personal security guards for the night. Awesome.
Entering
the main arena, the Roundhouse certainly looked different to how I
remembered it when Argentinean acrobats Fuerza Bruta invaded it last
year. Instead of trapezes and ropes, the only props I could make out
were a huge boxing ring and a couple of suspicious metal chairs. As the
audience downed their beers and inhaled the heady smell of deep heat,
Burton's little mate decided to seize the opportunity and jumped into
the empty ring for a little jig. He was promptly turfed out by
security, only to be replaced with two even more miniscule luchadors,
Mascarita Sagrada and Octagoncito. For those who didn't get the memo,
lucha libre has a long tradition of dwarf wrestlers, and this first
fight was much more than a freak show, with Mascarita Sagrada dazzling
everyone with his white catsuit and death defying acrobatic slam downs.
Next
up was a tag team bout between El Hijo del Solitario, Magno, Black Fish
and "Queen of the Ring" Cassandro, a cross-dressing luchador. Hilarious
in every way possible, every time Mr Black Fish did something good, he
climbed the corner post, flexed his 30-inch biceps and fired off an
imaginary arrow into the crowd. Maybe the steroids told him to do it.
However, the undisputed star of the show was Cassandro, who minced
around the ring in a rhinestone-splattered leotard, destroying everyone
in her/his way. Something tells me he/she quite liked getting pinned
down by a line of oiled up adversaries. Especially when his head landed
between their sweaty thighs.
After a third, slightly boring
fight between old timers Solar and Negro Navarro – who the crowd pelted
with pints of beer – six of the most famous living luchadors took to
the ring for a battle royal. Headed up by El Hijo del Santo (the
greatest living luchador and son of the all time great El Santo), Blue
Demon Jnr (the man in the blue mask) and Ramses (star of Jack Black's
Nacho Libre), the stakes could not have been higher – it was "for the
soul of Mexico" apparently. The action flitted between the ring and
ringside, with the "rudos" (the bad guys) bringing out a chair and
giving Santo a serious steel beat down. Then, just as Ramses was about
to unmask the legendary beefcake, he was saved by his homies (do you
think it was scripted?). As the ringmaster confirmed their win, I swear
I heard the whole of Mexico sigh with relief. But that could have been
my stomach.
Leaving the venue I was so ready to rumble I paid
£15 for a Captain America luchador mask and proceeded to prance around
Stables Market with my masked mate, with absolutely no style or grace
whatsoever. Our friends walk about 20 metres behind us for some reason.
Still, we got a taste of the stardom that these luchadors experience
back in their homeland, with a few people coming up to me. Although for
some reason they mistook the "A" on my forehead for Captain Asshole
instead of Captain America. Camden, eh? If you haven't got a Mohawk
they can be soooo rude. I wonder if they'd be so fresh with Santo?
